We often ask the wrong question when it comes to infidelity. Instead of wondering “How could they do something so immoral?” we might get closer to the truth by asking, “What kind of pain would drive someone to do something so out of character?” One of the most common things I hear from betrayed partners is: “But they knew it was wrong!” And yes, most people do know that cheating is wrong. But knowing something is wrong isn’t always enough to stop someone who is overwhelmed by pain, fear, or trauma. 

After working with thousands of couples and observing what truly helps relationships recover, I’ve noticed something important: five key traits show up again and again in couples who successfully heal from infidelity. These traits do not require perfection, they require intention. I’ve seen them in every couple who has made it through. So if you’re hoping to heal, take a page from these couples. Do your best to practice these traits and weave them into your relationship. 

I want to help you understand what’s been happening to you — not just emotionally, but neurologically — since the betrayal. Because when you’ve been betrayed, it doesn’t just hurt your feelings. It shatters your sense of safety. And that injury is not just psychological — it’s biological. Betrayal is a huge trauma. Your brain and body register it as such… and when you understand that, so many of your symptoms start to make more sense. So let’s talk about exactly what happens neurologically when you experience betrayal.