The first step in healing from an affair is ending the affair.  It's truly impossible to start making a relationship better while an affair is ongoing, so we have to stop the affair first.  To end the affair, I suggest that you and your partner sit down and write a letter together to the other person (affair partner). The letter should mostly be written by the person who had the affair, because it's critical that he/she starts to take responsibility for the choices that were made. View Post

While it's difficult to say exactly how common it is for couples to stay together after an affair, most couples who experience infidelity actually want to stay in their relationships. Recent studies find that infidelity affects 1 in every 2.7 couples and most (65%-70%) DO stay together after. Willingness to stay depends on a variety of factors such as the severity of the affair, the underlying issues in the relationship, and the willingness of both partners to work on the relationship.

 

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While some relationships that start as affairs MAY be able to overcome the challenges and difficulties that arise as a result of the affair, the vast majority do not survive. Only 5 to 7% of affair relationships lead to marriage and of those, approximately 75% end in divorce.So if we assume only 25% of the initial 7% last, this means that less than 2% turn into long-lasting marriages.This is a grim statistic for couples hoping an affair will be a permanent relationship.

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Dr. John Gottman of the Gottman Institute in Seattle found that if a couple exhibits 4 behaviors - criticism, contempt, stonewalling, and defensiveness - that he could predict with over 90% certainty that they would divorce. Gottman found that if some, or all of these behaviors were present with enough frequency, the connection and friendship at the heart of a marriage would die. And once that happens, it's hard for couples to turn the relationship around or stay in the relationship. View Post

Yes, you can truly recover from an affair. As I have worked with hundreds of couples over the last 22 years, I've found that you need to do these 8 things in order to truly recover: (1) You need to have the affair end and no (or very, very little) contact with the affair partner ever again. (2) You need to have a conversation with your partner where they tell you everything about what happened (except for graphic sexual details).

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If you've just discovered your partner's affair, you're probably haunted by the WHY question. Why did this happen? Why me? Why her? Why? It absolutely makes sense that you're wondering this and everyone who's been in your shoes wonders the same thing. In fact, understanding why the affair happened is critical to your healing. Over the last 20 years, I've come to believe that affairs happen when three things occur at the same time...

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Julie called me yesterday and explained that she recently learned that her husband, Todd, was having an affair at work with a co-worker. Julie confronted Todd about the affair, he admitted that he had been cheating, but told her he wanted to stop and to save their marriage. Julie was thrilled to hear this, but ... View Post

Carlos asks: "Can infidelity be forgiven? My wife found some inappropriate messages on my iPad and now she says she'll never get over it. Nothing physical happened, but... obviously, it was not good. Will she ever forgive me? I am worried our marriage will never recover." Dr. K answers : I am really sorry this is happening to you guys, you must be very scared and worried. The good news is that yes, infidelity CAN be forgiven... but it takes time.

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