Dr Kathy's Blog


  • Most of us wish we could erase our bad memories. Unfortunately, bad memories are common and a normal part of life... but some memories hurt a lot more than others.This is especially true for someone who's experienced a trauma in their relationship, like an affair. We have developed a memory erasing technique called EMDR and I've modified the technique so you can do it at home. View Post
  • Most of the time, if we keep fighting about the same thing it's because we never get the validation or the acknowledgment we're craving from our spouse to let it go. Or it's because we never get down deep enough and talk about what the fight is REALLY about. On rare occasion, we fight about something that just is not fixable, and instead of fighting, we have to find a way to talk about it that feels comfortable to both of you.

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  • Want to know how to fight less and communicate even better? From lots of tinkering and experimenting with hundreds of couples over the last 20 years, I can tell you what will really work to change your communication for good! Here are my "rules" for absolutely fabulous communication...

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  • If you want your fights to be productive... and actually be beneficial to your relationship... you have to slow down and really listen to what your partner is saying. Then you have to validate their point of view, their feelings, and their perspective. Only AFTER you have done this should you try to argue for your point of view or explain your feelings. I've put together 3 short videos to show you exactly what to do. View Post
  • Jordan, one of our friends from Facebook, recently wrote in and asked for help..."Hi Dr. Kathy. I hope you can help us. Cindy and I have been married for 9 years and I love her very much. We have really hectic lives: we both work, our kids have us running around left and right, we barely have any time for ourselves or our relationship. We have been fighting a lot lately. In fact it's gotten so bad in the last couple of months that I've wondered if we're going to make it. Is there anything we can do? Please help. Thanks." And here's my answer to Jordan... View Post
  • "My partner and I have different expectations about our relationship and we both tend to make assumptions about how things should be. What should I do?" -David, Washington. Hi David. Yes, it's important to address that and do a couple of things... The first thing to do is read this blog post on R... View Post
  • "My husband never lets me vent, he immediately goes into fix-it mode. How do I tell him I just want him to listen to me?" - Kathyrn, UtahHi Kathryn. You know what? I think you should just tell him exactly that. It's ok for you to start a conversation by saying, "Honey, I am really upset and I jus... View Post
  • "We're not great at communicating. Many of our conversations end in a fight. Or worse, we both shut down, stop talking and nothing ever gets resolved. How can we communicate better so that we never lose the spark?" -Sonia, AlaskaGreat question, Sonia. There are a few things that are absolutely c... View Post