Most of us wish we could erase our bad memories. Unfortunately, bad memories are common and a normal part of life... but some memories hurt a lot more than others.This is especially true for someone who's experienced a trauma in their relationship, like an affair.

At least once a week, someone will sit down with me and say, "I don't want to see these pictures in my head anymore. I don't want to think about this bad stuff anymore!" If you can relate, I have some good news for you. We have developed a memory erasing technique called EMDR, or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, and I've modified the technique so you can do it at home.

 

EMDR was developed in the 1980s by psychologist Francine Shapiro as a technique to help people overcome psychological trauma and PTSD. Dr. Shapiro theorized that disturbing memories continue to cause distress because these memories were not adequately processed by the brain. These unprocessed memories are believed to contain the emotions, thoughts, and physical sensations that occurred at the time of the event. EMDR therapy focuses directly on the memory, targets the way that the memory is stored in the brain, which allows the memory to be processed more fully.

 

During EMDR, we ask you to recall a painful memory. At the same time, we expose you to eye stimulation and sound, so that many parts of your brain are working at the same time. Doing this forces your brain to divide its resources between processing visual information and working memory, which causes disturbing memories to become less vivid.  Repeating this over time helps even more.

 

So let's talk about how to do our version of EMDR now.

 

 

The Memory Eraser Exercise:

 

This exercise is divided into three parts: (1) Prepare, (2) Answer, and (3) Action. You can do all three parts in one sitting, or you can break them up.

 

Part 1—Prepare:

 

Step 1: Get an overview.

On your phone or computer, please go to YouTube and search for EMDR demonstration. Choose any video that you like; I would like you to get a quick overview of what you will be doing. You only need to do this once, so once you’ve gotten the idea, feel free to proceed.

 

Step 2: Choose an EMDR video.

EMDR requires a video with a repetitive visual element, like a ball moving from side to side of a screen, and a repetitive sound, such as a repeated clicking sound. You will follow the visual element of the video with your eyes.

On YouTube, search for EMDR self-administered. You will see a variety of videos to choose from, select one that features a moving dot or ball. Feel free to look at a few of them, find one that you like. You might also search for EMDR blue dot, EMDR heartbeat, EMDR slow. There are hundreds of choices, pick one that you find pleasant to look at.

 

Step 3: Practice moving your eyes.

Once you’ve chosen a video, take a moment to practice moving your eyes. All you need to do is watch the video and keep your eyes focused on the moving ball.

You will probably get distracted or stop following exactly at some point—don’t worry about this. Just do the best you can to follow the ball while you hear the sounds.

 

Part 2—Answer:

 

Step 1: Complete your EMDR Questions.

Now we need to prepare for your EMDR session by thinking about some questions and memories. Please take a moment to answer the questions below:

What is a troubling image you want to focus on today? A troubling image is a picture you see in your mind that causes you pain.

What is a troubling thought you want to focus on today? A troubling thought is a painful idea you keep going back to that causes you pain.

What is a healing image you can imagine? A healing image is an “alternative reality” you can picture in your mind that brings you peace and healing. This is an image of what you wish would have happened instead or a calmer version of what happened.

What’s a healing thought you can have about the event? A healing thought is a new way to look at the painful situation; it could be a positive spin on what happened, or it could be a silver lining or good thing that came from the bad event.

What is a soothing memory for you? A soothing memory is a memory that you recall that conveys peace, comfort, and safety to you. It could be a moment from a favorite vacation, it could be a moment from your grandmother’s kitchen, it could be imagining yourself in the bathtub. Anything that’s soothing to you.

 

Part 3—Action:

In this step, we will combine what we’ve done so far. We will use the EMDR video you selected in part 1 to work with your answers from part 2.

Step 1: Set up your EMDR screen.
On your phone or computer, bring up the EMDR video you chose in Part 1. Set the video to full screen mode. Make sure you can see and hear the video. Ideally, use headphones. Get into a comfortable position. Minimize all other distractions. When you’re ready, start the video.

 

Step 2: Recall the troubling image with as much detail as you can.

Focus on the EMDR screen and follow with your eyes WHILE you think about the troubling image. Picture the image with as much detail as you can. Push yourself a little bit outside your comfort zone, just into the mild discomfort range. Do this for two minutes.

If you are feeling overwhelmed, stop, take a break, and do some deep breathing while you recall your soothing memory.

Step 3: Think about the troubling thought with as much detail as you can.

Focus on the EMDR screen and follow with your eyes WHILE you think about the troubling thought. Go as deep as you can with as many details as you can. Again, push yourself a little bit outside your comfort zone, but not too far. Do this for two minutes.

If you are feeling overwhelmed, stop, take a break, and do some deep breathing while you recall your soothing memory.

 

Step 4: Repeat thinking about the troubling image and the troubling thought again.

Do one more cycle of thinking about the troubling image and then the troubling thought, just as you did in steps 2 and 3. Spend two minutes on each.

If you are feeling overwhelmed, stop, take a break, and do some deep breathing while you recall your soothing memory.

 

Step 5: Repeat one more time.

Do one more cycle of thinking about the troubling image and then the troubling thought, just as you did in steps 2 and 3. Spend two minutes on each.

If you are feeling overwhelmed, stop, take a break, and do some deep breathing while you recall your soothing memory.

 

Step 6: Stop looking at the EMDR screen.

Press pause on your screen, sit back in your chair, relax for 2 to 5 minutes. It’s time to shift gears and think about healing.

 

Step 7: Bring into mind the healing image.

Close your eyes. Imagine the healing image with as much detail as you can. Really savor the image as you picture it in your mind. Spend two minutes imagining the healing image.

Step 8: Bring into mind the healing thought.

Close your eyes. Imagine the healing thought with as much detail as you can. Allow yourself to experience this thought fully, imagine it’s real, try to feel it in your body. Spend two minutes imagining the healing thought.

 

Step 9: Repeat steps 7 and 8 one more time.

Please do one more cycle of imagining the healing image and the healing thought.

 

Step 10: Close with an affirmation.

I’d like you to end your EMDR session with a positive affirmation. Please take a moment to reflect on how proud you are of yourself, how hard you have been working, how strong you are. What can you say to yourself about how amazing you are?

 

Step 11: Do this exercise again tomorrow.

Please plan to do this exercise again tomorrow. You should start to feel the memory softening a little each day. You can change your thoughts and your answers any time you like. Continue to do this for any memory that is causing you pain. You can do this up to two times per day.

 

I hope that you’ll find this exercise helpful and valuable. If you tried and decided you don’t care for it, that’s okay. You don’t have to keep doing it.

If this exercise causes you any difficulties, like trouble sleeping or a worsening mood, please stop and reach out to a trauma therapist in your area for personalized recommendations. You can find a list of EMDR experts and trauma therapists at the EMDR International Association (EMDRIA.org)

 

 

 

Dr. K's NEW Book on Infidelity Recovery

The Courage to Stay - How To Heal From an Affair & Save Your Marriage

 

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