Dr Kathy's Blog


  • Dr. John Gottman of the Gottman Institute in Seattle found that if a couple exhibits 4 behaviors - criticism, contempt, stonewalling, and defensiveness - that he could predict with over 90% certainty that they would divorce. Gottman found that if some, or all of these behaviors were present with enough frequency, the connection and friendship at the heart of a marriage would die. And once that happens, it's hard for couples to turn the relationship around or stay in the relationship. View Post
  • Yes, you can truly recover from an affair. As I have worked with hundreds of couples over the last 22 years, I've found that you need to do these 8 things in order to truly recover: (1) You need to have the affair end and no (or very, very little) contact with the affair partner ever again. (2) You need to have a conversation with your partner where they tell you everything about what happened (except for graphic sexual details).

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  • If you've just discovered your partner's affair, you're probably haunted by the WHY question. Why did this happen? Why me? Why her? Why? It absolutely makes sense that you're wondering this and everyone who's been in your shoes wonders the same thing. In fact, understanding why the affair happened is critical to your healing. Over the last 20 years, I've come to believe that affairs happen when three things occur at the same time...

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  • Julie called me yesterday and explained that she recently learned that her husband, Todd, was having an affair at work with a co-worker. Julie confronted Todd about the affair, he admitted that he had been cheating, but told her he wanted to stop and to save their marriage. Julie was thrilled to hear this, but ... View Post
  • Carlos asks: "Can infidelity be forgiven? My wife found some inappropriate messages on my iPad and now she says she'll never get over it. Nothing physical happened, but... obviously, it was not good. Will she ever forgive me? I am worried our marriage will never recover." Dr. K answers : I am really sorry this is happening to you guys, you must be very scared and worried. The good news is that yes, infidelity CAN be forgiven... but it takes time.

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  • Most of us wish we could erase our bad memories. Unfortunately, bad memories are common and a normal part of life... but some memories hurt a lot more than others.This is especially true for someone who's experienced a trauma in their relationship, like an affair. We have developed a memory erasing technique called EMDR and I've modified the technique so you can do it at home. View Post
  • If you've recently had an affair... or if you discovered that your wife or partner cheated... you're probably struggling to understand why. Truth is, infidelity is common and I believe that most people who cheat are trying to deal with some pain they're experiencing. Women cheat at about the same rate as men, but women's infidelity is talked about a lot less often... View Post
  • Natalie asks: "What are infidelity triggers? My boyfriend cheated and I don't know why. He told me that he doesn't know why, so I am really struggling to understand what caused this. Was it me? What did I do wrong?"   Dr. K answers: Hi Natalie. Thanks so much for reaching out. I am really sorry y... View Post