Beyond Betrayal: Reclaiming Your Self-Worth After Discovering Your Par

Beyond Betrayal: Reclaiming Your Self-Worth After Discovering Your Partner’s Affair

By Sara Muftic and Dr. Kathy Nickerson

There are few experiences more devastating than discovering your partner has been unfaithful. When a partner chooses infidelity, it can trigger a downward spiral of self-doubt by creating new insecurities or exposing existing ones.

Infidelity is a deeply painful experience that can lead to feelings of inadequacy and leave lasting scars on your self-esteem. When a partner betrays your trust in this way, it’s hard not to doubt your worth, value, and attractiveness. You may find yourself ruminating on your perceived flaws, wondering why you weren’t “enough.” You may also be plagued by thoughts like, “What's wrong with me?” or “Why didn't I see this coming?” These self-critical voices can become overwhelming, making it difficult to see a path forward.

If you find yourself nodding along and relating to some of these thoughts, know that you’re not alone. It’s perfectly understandable to feel this way after being betrayed by someone you love. While you may be feeling insecure and vulnerable right now, please remember that your worth is not defined by your partner’s choices. The affair had very little to do with you and you are so much more than what happened to you. You can rebuild your self-esteem and emerge from this experience stronger than ever.

With that in mind, let’s dive into some of the reasons why self-esteem takes a hit after infidelity, why it’s crucial to rebuild your confidence, and go over some practical steps to repair your self-esteem after betrayal.

How does self-esteem change after infidelity?

The emotional distress caused by infidelity can directly undermine self-esteem, leaving you feeling insecure and fragile (Miller & Maner, 2009). This can become a vicious cycle, as that drop in self-esteem can then amplify the stress and emotional turmoil caused by your partner’s affair (Shrout & Weigel, 2019). Having to navigate such powerful emotions can make it challenging to maintain self-confidence while also trying to recover from the trauma brought on by the affair. In other words, it’s really hard to feel good about yourself when you just don’t feel all that good to begin with!

You may also begin to blame yourself for the affair. It’s common for betrayed partners, especially those deeply invested in their relationships, to internalize the betrayal and blame themselves (Miller & Maner, 2009). This can lead to thoughts like, “If only I had done things differently, my partner wouldn’t have cheated.” These self-critical thoughts can erode your self-esteem and make you feel undeserving of love and compassion. If you find your thoughts going down this path, take a deep breath and remind yourself that none of those things caused the affair. Your partner was the one who chose to stray, and that is absolutely not your fault.

Infidelity can also trigger feelings of jealousy. You may have heard the saying, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” Well, it can also rob you of your self-worth. Many betrayed partners struggle with comparing themselves unfavorably to the affair partner, which can lead to heightened self-doubt and body image issues (Miller & Maner, 2009). It's understandable to wonder what attracted your partner to their affair partner, but in actuality, emotional pain within the unfaithful partner was what caused the affair. Your appearance, personality, and choices are not the real reasons for their betrayal.

After discovering their partner’s affair, many betrayed partners experience something akin to an identity crisis that diminishes their self-esteem (Finkel et al., 2002). While similar to jealousy, it’s distinct in that it doesn’t involve comparison to another person. Instead, it can involve harsh self-judgement and questioning one’s value. This goes back to feeling like you’re not “enough” for someone. It’s important to recognize that these negative thoughts are not reflective of your true worth. There is only one “you” in this world, and that is a very special thing. You are unique and valuable simply because you’re you, and you deserve love and respect.

Lastly, infidelity can diminish your trust in your own judgment and make you feel insecure in your decision-making abilities (Finkel et al., 2002). You may find yourself replaying past events, wondering, “Why didn’t I see the signs? Why did I ever trust them?” Instead, I’d like to encourage you to think of it this way: People who cheat go to great lengths to hide their affairs, and trusting your partner is a natural and reasonable behavior in a relationship. Please don’t blame yourself for not knowing what you couldn’t possibly have known.

Why is it important to repair your confidence?

The drop in self-esteem you may experience after discovering your partner’s affair can actually interfere with your healing process. As you now know, having a negative perception of yourself intensifies the emotional turmoil caused by infidelity. This heightened distress creates additional obstacles in the healing process, making it harder to seek the support and resources you need to feel better (Shrout & Weigel, 2019).

Take a moment to think about what that looks like for you. Are you reluctant to reach out for help because you’re embarrassed, and you don’t want anyone else to know about the affair? Has your self-doubt led you to believe that you don’t deserve support, or that others genuinely can’t help you? For those who already struggle with their self-worth, the emotional wound created by infidelity sometimes makes it even harder to ask for assistance and believe in the possibility of healing. This allows the wound to fester, potentially causing you even more pain than you started with.

Lowered self-esteem after betrayal can also impact the way you navigate relationships going forward. If you’ve been cheated on, it’s possible that you will find it more difficult to trust future partners and feel secure in your relationships (Finkel et al., 2002). Even if your new partner is trustworthy, your past experiences can make it difficult to fully let your guard down around them. You may even find yourself struggling to connect with others at all if you do not feel safe enough, preventing you from pursuing new relationships.

For these reasons, healing the emotional wounds caused by the betrayal is crucial for moving forward. There are numerous ways to find support as you work on your self-esteem, and we’ll go over some of those in the next section. While it’s not fair that this happened to you, and that you have to do the work to heal in the aftermath, it's possible that you will look back on this time in your life one day and be glad that you did. You can’t go back in time and change the past, but you do have the power to choose how you respond in the present. You deserve to feel happy, loved, and safe, and no matter how hard things feel right now, please remember that you are worth the effort!

How can you improve your self-esteem?

Now that you know how infidelity affects self-esteem, and why it’s important to improve your confidence after betrayal … how exactly can you go about doing so?

A good way to look at this is that self-esteem and healthy behaviors tend to go hand in hand. You can’t force yourself to magically feel confident out of the blue and expect everything to get better right away. But by taking steps to seek support, nurture your mental health, and practice good habits, you will start to see an improvement in your self-esteem.

There are many ways you can do this. Different methods will work for different people, so see what resonates with you and give it a try. If what you try ultimately isn’t all that helpful, please try something else.

We’ve discussed some ways to build your self-esteem after discovering your partner's affair before, but here are some additional things you can try:

1. Ask for help.

Building a support network can be extremely beneficial when you are feeling insecure and healing from infidelity:

If you and your partner are still together, and you are working to repair your relationship, talk to them about what you’re going through. Ask for the support you need from them specifically in order to feel more secure.

If you feel comfortable doing so, it’s okay to tell one or two trusted friends or family members about the affair. The people in your life who know you best and care about you can help lift you up when you need it most.

Join a support group for betrayed partners. Talking to others who understand exactly what you have been through can be incredibly validating as you start to heal.

Work one-on-one with a counselor or therapist. Talking with an expert can alleviate the trauma of the affair, and they can also work with you to navigate the specific insecurities you’re struggling with.

2. Have compassion for yourself

Infidelity is traumatic, so it’s important to give yourself some grace as you begin to heal. When your inner critic starts to get a bit too loud, try to speak kindly to yourself and do your best to reframe your negative thoughts as they arise.

For example:

“How could I have missed the signs?” → “I didn’t see the affair coming, but now I know what signs to look out for in the future.”

“I never do anything right.” → “Everyone makes mistakes, including me, but I also get a lot of things right.”

“No one loves me.” → “Some of my relationships haven’t worked out, but there are people in my life who value and appreciate me.”

“I can’t do this.” → “Things are tough right now, but I’ve overcome challenges before, and I can do it again.”

3. Make a difference.

Volunteering with a charity or a cause you are passionate about can greatly improve your self-esteem. Consider volunteering with an animal rescue group or at a shelter in your spare time. You could also donate goods to a food pantry, participate in a charity race, or organize a park clean-up. When you feel good about the work you are doing to help others and make the world a little better, you will also feel good about yourself.

4. Gratitude, success, and strengths.

If you’re having a tough day and aren’t feeling too good about yourself, try doing the following:

Practice gratitude: Take a moment to reflect on everything in your life—large and small—that you are grateful for.

Celebrate your success: Make a list of your recent accomplishments and give yourself a pat on the back.

Embrace your strengths: Focus on your strengths by recognizing your unique abilities, traits, and talents.

By reflecting on the positive aspects of your life, your personal achievements, and your strengths, not only will you start to feel better, but you will also start to feel more confident in yourself. You can learn more about these exercises and find corresponding journal prompts in my latest book, The Courage to Stay Journal: An Affair Recovery Workbook for the Hurt Partner.

References:

Finkel, E. J., Rusbult, C. E., Kumashiro, M., & Hannon, P. A. (2002). Dealing with betrayal in close relationships: Does commitment promote forgiveness? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 82(6), 956-974.

Miller, S. L., & Maner, J. K. (2009). Coping with romantic betrayal: Gender differences in how emotions are linked to infidelity. Evolutionary Psychology, 7(3), 342-363.

Shrout, M. R., & Weigel, D. J. (2019). Coping with infidelity: The moderating role of self-esteem. Personality and Individual Differences, 154, 109631. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2019.109631

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