By Sara Muftic & Dr. Kathy Nickerson

 

Sometimes, we encounter obstacles in our relationships that leave us desperately searching for answers. When that obstacle is an affair, it can be really challenging to know where to begin.

The challenge is amplified by the fact that almost everything you've been told about affairs is NOT true. The only way to know what is true is to do research.

Late last year, I collaborated with two colleagues to develop two separate affair surveys: one survey addressed the straying partner’s perspective, and the other focused on the betrayed partner. Numerous other studies have also been conducted to explore the many factors that contribute to infidelity. Due to the secrecy and shame involved, cheating is often under-reported, which can make obtaining data tricky. Statistics on infidelity can also vary greatly depending on the population being surveyed.

However, the more we’re able to learn about affairs, the better equipped we are to understand, navigate, and prevent them. To that end, let’s explore some of the most common questions about cheating and affairs, using the clinical research data and statistics we have available to us…

 

1. What percentage of marriages experience infidelity?

Studies show 20% to 25% of married couples in the United States experience infidelity (Wiederman, 1997; Atkins et al., 2001). According to a survey by the General Social Survey (Wang, 2018), approximately 20-25% of men and 10-15% of women report having cheated on their spouse during their marriage, and about 20% of men and 13% of women reported infidelity at some point in their lives. Some research suggests infidelity affects up to 40% of married couples (Laumann et al., 1994).

 

2. How common is cheating in relationships?

Cheating appears to be more common among dating relationships and non-committed couples than committed or married couples. Studies by Schmitt & Buss (2001) and Allen & Baucom (2006) found that as many as 70% of dating couples in the United States experience infidelity.

 

3. Are men or women more likely to cheat?

Men typically report higher rates of infidelity than women; studies looking at the United States suggest infidelity rates of 21% for men and 13% for women in committed relationships (Labrecque & Whisman, 2017).

Other sources have found a similar pattern across the globe. In a study looking at 53 nations, 56.9% of men and 34.9% of women admitted to having cheated (Schmitt, 2004). Another study out of Germany found that 49% of straight men and 34% of gay men will engage infidelity, compared to 29% of straight women and 4% of gay women (Haversath & Kröger, 2014).

 

4. What age group has the highest rate of infidelity?

Interestingly, through our survey of 2,115 partners who strayed, we found that men tended to be older when they cheated, with most men falling into the 40–44 age group. Women reported being more likely to cheat at ages 35–39 (Nickerson et al., 2023).

Findings from the General Social Survey (GSS), conducted by the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago, show a similar pattern (Wang, 2018). Looking at data from 2010 to 2016:

• Men were more likely to cheat than women at all age groups, except at ages 18–29.
• The likelihood of infidelity for men jumped from 16% at ages 40–49 to 22% at ages 50–59, and the highest rate of infidelity among men at 26% was found within the 70–79 age group.
• Rates of infidelity increased more steadily for women across age groups, capping out at 16% at ages 60–69 before decreasing.

5. How many marriages end in divorce due to infidelity?

The percentage of marriages that end in divorce due to infidelity varies according to different studies and surveys. Our research data (Nickerson et al., 2023) indicate that 7% of straying partners and 12% of betrayed partners reported being divorced after the affair, with those who separated most likely to end the relationship within six months of discovering the affair.

Several studies suggest that a significant proportion of couples choose to stay together after infidelity. Four studies found that 60-75% of couples stay together after discovering an affair (Gordon, Baucom, & Snyder, 2004; Solomon & Teagno, 2006; Stanford, 2008; AAMFT, 2012). The  2012 survey by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) reported that 74% of couples who sought therapy following infidelity were able to recover and rebuild their relationship. Another study published in the Journal of Couple and Relationship Therapy found that 70% of couples who sought therapy after infidelity were able to recover and reported greater relationship satisfaction (Gordon, Baucom, & Snyder, 2004).

Our study of 2,115 straying partners and 3,803 injured partners found that 75% stayed together after an affair (Nickerson et al., 2023).

The rate of divorce due to infidelity varies across studies. Our findings (Nickerson et al., 2023) indicate that 7% of straying partners and 12% of betrayed partners reported divorcing after the affair, with separations most often occurring within six months of discovery. However, other research points to higher rates, with two studies suggesting that more than 50% of couples end their relationship following infidelity (Allen & Atkins, 2012; Marin et al., 2014). Additionally, data from the General Social Survey (2010-2016) found that 40% of adults who had cheated reported being divorced or separated (Wang, 2018).

For context, the U.S. divorce rate overall ranges from 39% to 50%, depending on the study and whether it considers only first marriages or all marriages. A 40% divorce rate following infidelity aligns with the lower end of this range, suggesting that while infidelity significantly raises the risk of divorce, it does not drastically increase the likelihood compared to other factors such as financial stress, incompatibility, or communication breakdowns. So while infidelity does elevate the risk of divorce, the likelihood of separation remains comparable to broader national trends.

 

6. What percentage of cheaters admit to their infidelity?

Through our surveys (Nickerson et al., 2023), we found:

• People who cheated confessed of their own accord 15% of the time.
• When betrayed partners were the ones to discover the affair, they reported around 21% of their partners came clean right away.
• Most betrayed partners shared that their significant others attempted to deny, minimize, or lie about having an affair before they finally admitted to it.

In a separate online survey that polled 94,949 people, 56.8% reported that they confessed independently to being unfaithful (Fisher, 2024).

 

7. What are the most common reasons people cheat?

Low relationship satisfaction is the most frequently cited reason for cheating (Blow & Hartnett, 2005; Emmers-Sommer et al., 2010), but this paints only a portion of the picture.

When we asked 2,115 straying partners why they cheated, they said:

• Mood was a factor. 28% rated their mood at a 1 out of 5, 30% said a 2, and 25% said a 3. This reveals that most straying partners are struggling with their mood.
• Mental health was a factor. 61% reported feeling depressed, 55% reported anxiety, 38% reported struggling with anger, and 22% were experiencing grief. (Participants could select all that applied.)
• Relationship problems were a factor. While 74% said they were experiencing relationship problems, most reported the relationship was not bad (neutral), good, or very good. 31% reported their relationship was good or very good, 26% said not bad, and 43% reported their relationship was bad or very bad.
• Attachment and conflict avoidance play a role. 74% identified as conflict avoidant (possible avoidant attachment style) and 40% were worried their partner would leave them one day.
• Emotional disconnection was a bigger factor than sexual dissatisfaction. 74% of respondents felt emotionally disconnected, 72% felt unappreciated, 69% felt undervalued, and 52% felt sexually frustrated.
• The Affair Bermuda Triangle was a factor for approximately 50% of respondents. The Affair Bermuda Triangle is the theory that people are at high risk for affairs when three conditions occur at the same time: (1) they are not doing well/feeling good, (2) the relationship is strained, and (3) a trauma or trigger occurs to cause them to reach for an affair.
• Emotional pain was a significant predictor of affairs. 63% of straying partners agreed with the sentiment that their affairs were painkillers (Nickerson et al., 2023).

8. How many affairs are emotional vs. physical?

Overall, 11% of straying partners who responded to our survey reported having affairs that were purely emotional, 15% reported that their affairs were purely physical, and 74% said their affairs were both (Nickerson et al., 2023). Breaking that down a little further, 21% of men reported pursuing purely physical affairs vs. 10% of women. Also, around 80% of women reported having an affair that was both physical and emotional, compared to 67% for men, suggesting that there may be more of an emotional component to infidelity for women than there is for men.

This pattern is consistent with previous findings: Glass & Wright (1985) found that women are more likely to have emotional affairs, while men tend to have affairs that are more sexual. Further, 77% of women cheat because they fall in love with someone else, compared to 43% of men; only 55% of women say they have cheated for sexual gratification, compared to 75% of men (Glass & Wright, 1992).

 

9. What percentage of affairs turn into long-term relationships?

Our research found that 12% of people who cheated left to be with their affair partner. Of those that left for their AP, 34% reported the relationship lasted 0-6 months, 13% said 6-12 months, 13% said 1-2 years, 9% reported 3-4 years, 12% said 5-10 years, and 19% reported 10 years plus. So, if we multiply 12% by the percentage that lasted 5 years or more (31%), we can conclude that 3.72% of relationships that start as affairs turn into 5 year or longer relationships.

A study by Glass (2002) found that only about 3-5% of people who engage in affairs end up marrying their affair partners. Another study looking at data from North America found that anywhere from 8% to 14% of current relationships were formed after infidelity occurred (Schmitt & ISDP, 2004).

If we average the findings from these three sources (12%, 4%, and 11%) we can conclude that 9% of affairs lead to marriage and we believe that 19% of these marriages last 10 years or longer, then we are left with the conclusion that only 1.7% percent of affairs turn into long-term relationships lasting 10 years or more.

 

10. How many infidelities occur during times of significant life stress?

While interviewing couples who stayed together following infidelity, Abrahamson and colleagues (2012) found that some couples experienced external stressors during the time of the affair, such as a death in the family or work stress. Around 69% of the straying partners we surveyed also reported pursuing affairs to cope with the pain of life, with 38% stating that a specific trauma or trigger caused them to reach for an affair in the first place (Nickerson et al., 2023).

 

11. How many people have had multiple affairs?

Most people who cheat will only have one affair. In sharp contrast to the popular notion that “once a cheater, always a cheater,” our research found that 60% of straying partners reported having one affair, 40% of respondents had two or more affairs (Nickerson et al., 2023). This is consistent with findings from other sources: Janus & Janus (1993) found that around 42% of people who were divorced had more than one affair while they were married; a 2022 YouGov poll that surveyed 2,000 United States citizens found 35% of people who cheated reported having more than one affair (Dumitru et al., 2022).

 

12. Are there genetic or biological factors associated with infidelity?

Several studies have been done to explore the biological roots of infidelity:

• Men with higher levels of testosterone are more likely to have affairs (Booth & Dabbs, 1993; Fisher et al., 2009; Klimas et al., 2019).
• Women are more likely to show interest in other partners while ovulating, when pregnancy is most likely to occur (Gangestad & Simpson, 2000).
• Men and women also have different deeply rooted biological urges that may drive them to seek other partners: men can potentially sire more children by partnering with multiple women, whereas women might seek other male partners with more desirable genetics for their children (Abrams & Abrams, 2022).

Two studies have explored the genetic basis of infidelity:

• Infidelity and number of sexual partners are both somewhat influenced by genetics, according to a UK study of 1600 female twins (Cherkas et al., 2004). Researchers found that infidelity and number of sexual partners are both under moderate genetic influence (41% and 38% heritable, respectively) and the genetic correlation between these two traits is strong (47%). Cherkas and her colleagues scanned the entire genome and found three areas on chromosomes 3, 7, and 20 that might be linked to cheating and number of sexual partners, but the results were not strong enough to be conclusive.
• One study (Garcia et al., 2010) collected sexual history details and cheek cell samples from 181 young adults to explore the impact of a specific gene, DRD4 VNTR, on infidelity and promiscuity. This gene is dopamine receptor gene; dopamine is a neurotransmitter released by the brain when we do something pleasurable or enjoyable, which motivates us to repeat those behaviors—for some, this includes behaviors like cheating. Their results showed that people who had at least one copy of a certain version of this gene (called the 7-repeat allele) were more likely to report having had one-night stands and over 50% were more likely to report cheating on a partner.

 

13. How many affairs are discovered vs. kept secret?

According to our survey data, 32% of straying partners reported that their affairs were never discovered (Nickerson et al., 2023). Respondents of the YouGov poll reported slightly higher numbers, with 39% answering that their infidelity was not discovered (Dumitru et al., 2022).

Many wonder – should an affair be kept secret or should I tell my partner about it? If you would have asked me 20 years ago, I would have told you, “Maybe you should keep it a secret, if it is truly over and done with, why cause such incredible trauma to your partner?” However, now I would tell you to confess the affair.

A study done by Afifi and colleagues (2001) changed my mind. Their work found “the best chance to minimize relational damage caused by discovered infidelity is to disclose the transgression to the partner prior to its solicitation” and that keeping a secret from your partner is likely to significantly damage other areas of the relationship, ultimately causing the relationship’s decline.

 

14. What percentage of couples recover from infidelity?

Most couples choose to reconcile after infidelity has occurred, usually between 60% and 75% (Solomon & Teagno, 2006). In our affair surveys, 75% percent of all respondents reported staying together with their original partners (Nickerson et al., 2023).

Many people do NOT talk about the infidelity they experienced and healed from because of fear of judgment. A study by Afifi and colleagues (2001) revealed that individuals are more likely to disclose infidelity to friends rather than family members, largely due to a fear of judgment and a desire for unbiased support. Similarly, research by Cramer and Jowett (2010), published in the Journal of Family Psychology, found that many couples navigating infidelity tend to limit disclosure to their immediate support network and therapists, fearing external judgment and discouragement. So more people that you know have survived an affair; they just don't talk about it publicly.

 

15. How long does it take to recover from an affair?

The affair recovery journey is very individual and for this reason, it is hard to give a concrete answer about how long it will take someone to heal from an affair. In my clinical practice, most people report feeling “better” by the 6 month point, “good” by the 1 year point, and “back to themselves” by the 2 year point.

These clinical observations were supported by our survey data from 3,000 injured partners who reported recovering from the affair within one to two years (Nickerson et al., 2023).

Despite these averages, affair recovery can be faster for some people and slower for others. The recovery timeline depends on many factors: previous trauma, coping skills, communication skills, personal resiliency, relationship length, relationship strength before the affair, amount of support from straying partner, participation in counseling, and several others. When I find that someone is struggling to heal from an affair, my first recommendation is often to pursue trauma therapy. Affairs are very traumatic and most people report great relief after trying trauma healing techniques, like EMDR.

I have also seen that people tend to recover faster and more completely when they try to do a variety of things to heal. Individuals who do individual therapy, couples therapy, meditation, journaling, daily exercise, EMDR, and having frequent conversations with their partner about the affair do far better than someone who does any one of these things. Many of these things are expensive and I know that not everyone can do all that they would like to do to heal. Do the best you can, try to include many different ways of healing. If you’re not improving, please explore new ways of healing, especially trauma work.

 

16. How many couples report increased relationship satisfaction post-infidelity?

This is a little complicated, and the answer depends on several factors. Our survey data indicates partners who cheated (46%), compared to partners who were cheated on (36%), are more likely to believe their relationships improved after an affair took place (Nickerson et al., 2023).

Other research has shown that forgiving harmful betrayals, including infidelity, is linked to improved relationship quality (Hannon et al., 2010). It is possible to have a better relationship after an affair, but again, recovering from an affair takes time. Reconciliation requires effort and commitment from both the straying and injured partner in order to improve the relationship (Abrahamson et al., 2012; Blow & Hartnett, 2005; Olson et al., 2002).

 

17. What percentage of infidelity occurs during pregnancy or after childbirth?

Multiple studies have found that husbands have a higher risk of being unfaithful when their wives are pregnant and shortly after childbirth (Allen & Baucom, 2001; Brown, 1991; Whisman et al., 2007). Men might be more likely to be unfaithful during pregnancy and shortly after childbirth due to changes in relationship dynamics, where the focus shifts to the baby, leading to feelings of neglect. Emotional stress and a lack of intimacy can drive some men to seek comfort outside their relationship. Additionally, unresolved issues and poor coping mechanisms can exacerbate the challenges of becoming a father, increasing the risk of infidelity.

 

18. How many affairs involve coworkers?

Around 38% of straying partners in our survey reported having affairs with coworkers (Nickerson et al., 2023). Similarly, in a survey of 2,000 employed Americans commissioned by Forbes Advisor, 40% of respondents reported cheating on an existing partner with a colleague (Main, 2024).

Our research found that coworkers are the most common affair partners ; having an affair with a friend (24%), stranger (13%), or former partner (7.5%) was less common.

 

19. What is the typical duration of an affair?

Some affairs are very brief, lasting a couple of hours (e.g., a one-night stand), others can last for years. In our survey for partners who strayed, the most commonly reported duration of an affair was 2-6 months (Nickerson et al., 2023). 42.6% reported the affair was 6 months or less, 35.1% reported the affair last 7 months to 2 years, 22.3% reported the affair lasted 3 years or longer. Previous research has also shown that most infidelities tend to last for six months (Allen, 2001).

 

20.  Are there gender differences in how individuals cope and heal after infidelity?

When looking at our data for men and women who strayed in their relationships (Nickerson et al., 2023):

• More women (40%) than men (25%) find talking to friends and family most helpful to their healing process.
• Men (54%) are more likely to find talking to their partners helpful during affair recovery compared to women (22%).
• Although men (28%) find couples therapy more helpful than women do (11%), both men (52%) and women (37%) report that individual therapy was more helpful than couples therapy.

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