Woman angry after affair sabotages

If you are struggling to heal from an affair, look closely at your behavior for these subtle – and not-so-subtle – sabotages that could be hurting you.

You’re profoundly hurt. Your world has been turned upside down. Things that were once comfortable and familiar now feel painful and unsafe. I understand. Being the victim of an affair is very sad and unfair; I am so sorry that you’re hurting so deeply.

As hard as it may be to believe, you absolutely can heal from this and your relationship can get much, much better. In order for that to happen, you must be conscientious about how you’re treating your spouse. You may feel that this is wrong, that he/she hurt you, they don’t deserve a drop of your consideration! I get it, I really do, but here’s the thing: in order for your spouse to help heal your wounds and work to make the relationship better, they have to feel that you care about them too.

If your spouse feels that you hate them and that there’s little chance of things getting better, they will give up. Your spouse might be able to withstand a harsh “punishment phase” and be loving and kind to you for a while, but if you don’t ease up, they will slowly start to give up. And if they give up, there’s very little chance of saving the marriage.

So as hurt as you are, please take a moment to review the list of sabotaging behaviors below. Resist engaging in these behaviors because they ultimately hurt you. While you intend them to hurt your spouse, they often hurt your kids and you in the long-run. There are much better alternatives. You can hold your spouse accountable for his/her poor judgment without making your spouse feel like the devil.

Sabotage # 1 – Being Mean To Your Spouse

Everyone on the planet would agree that you are entitled to punish your spouse for stepping outside the marriage. Cheating is absolutely unacceptable behavior and there is no justifying it. That said, treating your spouse poorly on an on-going basis only erodes their ability to take care of you and make up for their bad behavior. Relationships are dynamic and people have to feel that they matter to their spouse. If you’re not returning your spouse’s calls, not talking to each other, hurling insults at each other, this will only increase the divide between you. Treat your spouse as you would treat an acquaintance. You don’t have to be warm and cuddly, but you should be kind and civil. You might be thinking that they don’t deserve this type of nice treatment and you might be right about that. What I can tell you without a doubt is that the marriages that survive infidelity do so because both spouses showed kindness, even when they didn’t feel it was completely fair or deserved. Always treat your spouse better than they deserve and hope they will do the same. Most of the time, they do.

Sabotage # 2 – Demonizing Your Spouse To The Kids

By talking to your kids about the affair, you are putting them in a very difficult position. You’re essentially asking them to choose between their parents and making them feel that if they don’t side with you that they’ll lose your affection. Adult children of a divorce have a hard enough time understanding their parents’ motives; imagine how a teen or a school-aged child feels. Your kids love you and your spouse, please don’t tell them details about the affair or tell them negative things about your spouse. Doing so ultimately hurts your relationship with the kids because as they get older, they will judge you harshly for any perceived unfair treatment of the other parent. Talk to a trusted friend or family member or therapist about your feelings instead. There are also wonderful support groups online where you can post and chat anonymously. Do whatever you can to keep your kids out of the middle.

Sabotage # 3 – Insisting That Your Spouse “Fix” You

It would be wonderful if your spouse could fix you, or the marriage, or the mistake they made. Unfortunately, it is not possible. I truly wish it was. The only person who can “fix” you is you. I don’t know that you need “fixing,” the word fix implies that something in you is wrong or broken. I don’t see you this way, I see you as hurt. I know that you’re very strong and much more capable of healing yourself than you know. Your spouse plays a big role in healing you, but they cannot heal you for you. No one can. So instead of wishing for this, look deep within yourself to determine what you need to do or know to start healing. Do you need to know that your spouse is being completely honest and not keeping any more secrets? Fine, find a way to ask for this. Do you need to understand why the affair happened? Ok, start talking about this. Are you struggling with trying to forgive your spouse for their bad judgment? Very fair, talk with your therapist or trusted friend about this.

To read the rest of this article, please click here: http://drkathynickerson.com/products/7-ways-to-sabotage-your-affair-recovery



Free Resources For You

Affair Repair Kit - For The Straying Partner

Affair Repair Kit - For The Betrayed Partner


Dr. K's Blog - Infidelity

See All Our Infidelity Articles


You Might Also Like

What If My Partner Is Having An Affair With Co-Worker

11 Steps To Start Healing From Affair

Trust Rebuilding Roadmap

8 Reasons Couples Never Recover From An Affair


Tags: infidelity


  • Posted by Christina Z Hernandez on

    My husband and I have been together since we were 16. We are now 40. First half of our relationship he was never available to me emotionally because he was an alcoholic. So i finally stopped trying and gave up the second half of the relationship. During that time he changed and cut back the drinking and started being more attentive but i was so over him that i didnt care at that point. I was no longer interested in him emotionally or sexually. Of course he became distant and angry as before and started to drink again except more vengeful which made me resent him even more. During that year which was about 23 years into our relationship i fell into an emotionally affair with one his close relatives and my husband began a sexual relationship with a co – worker of his. So we both were having affairs at the same time. I uncovered his affair first and shortly after he uncovered mine. I have forgiven his affair and want to make the marriage work but his recovery of my affair is not so cut and dry. We have since seperated but he says he does want to save our marriage. Problem is he has been about 2 years now and he continues to be verbally abusive and angry towards me. I Love him but now im not sure i want to stay in the marriage anymore. I know i hurt him but i cant take the pain of his words and resentment he has towards me. There seems no end in sight. When do know how much punishment is enough?

Leave a comment