Throughout the years, people have asked me several questions about gender differences in affairs. My answers were mostly based on what I had read and what I had seen in my affair recovery practice. This was fine, but I knew that my observations represented a tiny section of the population and that infidelity research was complicated.

 

Most people do not want to talk about infidelity, so research sample sizes are small and much of the questioning is brief. Social media presented a unique solution to this problem! As my TikTok audience started to grow, I began to think about writing a survey for people affected by infidelity and inviting followers to complete the survey.

 

In the Fall of 2023, two colleagues and I created two surveys to better understand the differences between men and women when it comes to infidelity. One survey was for straying partners that had cheated in the relationship and the other was for betrayed partners who were hurt by the affair.

 

We used SurveyMonkey to gather the data, we asked 107 questions to each group. Some of the questions were multiple-choice, some were free response. The survey was done anonymously, we collected no identifying data about any of the participants. We promoted the survey on TikTok, Facebook, Instagram, and Reddit. No incentives or inducements were offered to any of the participants, we simply explained that we wanted to understand their thoughts, feelings, and motivations better.

 

The response was phenomenal: 2,115 straying partners and 3,668 betrayed partners completed the surveys.

 

We have just begin analyzing the data; there is so much to work through. I am happy to share some key findings and insights with you here about the differences between men and women in infidelity and affair recovery. I will be posting more "fancy statistics" - p values, odds ratios, and the like - as I have them.

 

The source / reference for all of the findings below is: Nickerson, K., Stone, R., and Davies, R. (2023). Affair Attitudes Survey. You can access summary tables of all data here , women respondents only here , and men respondents only here . Manuscript forthcoming. If you are a clinician, researcher, grad student, epidemiologist or other professional who would like access to our raw data, please contact me to discuss. We are happy to share and want as much insight to come from the data as possible.

 

KEY INSIGHTS - STRAYING PARTNERS:

• Women feel less regret during the affair than men. (Q19)
• More men reported still being in love with their spouse during the affair than women. (Q24)
• Men endorsed being in a "mental fog" during the affair more than women. (Q26)
• Women reported experiencing more limerence during the affair than men. (Q29)
• Men who stray reconcile at higher rates than women who stray. (Q34)
• Men are more committed to their original relationships after their affair than women. (Q104)
• Men are more likely to feel their relationship or marriage is better after the affair. (Q105)

 

MORE FINDINGS - STRAYING PARTNERS:

 

Women are more likely to stop straying after 1 affair. 55.4% of men reported having 1 affair, 16.7% reported 2 affairs versus 63.5% of women reported having only 1 affair and 18.7% reporting 2 affairs.The average (mean) number of affairs for all men who reported cheating was 2.18; the mean for all women was 1.72. (Q7)

 

 

Women have affairs younger. When we asked all participants what age they were when they had their affair, 27.3% of women reported age 35-39, 21.6% reported 25-29, and 21.4% reported 30-34. This differs from men: 29.1% of men reported straying at ages 35-39, 27.0% reported 40-45, and 24.8% reported infidelity from 30-34. Age 35-39 was the age range where both men and women reported the most affairs, suggesting 35-39 is the highest time of risk for an affair. (Q8)

 

 

Men are more likely to have an affair with a stranger or sex worker versus women. 4.6% of men reported their AP was a sex worker, as opposed to 0.0% of women. 14.8% of men reported that their AP was a stranger, versus 12.0% of women. However, most men and women report that their affair partner was a coworker (42.0% men, 35.8% women) or friend (17.4% men, 28.0% women). (Q10)

 

 

Men are more likely to have an either/or affair, women are more likely to have a both affair. Women were more likely to have an affair that was both physical and emotional (79.8% of women v. 66.5% of men). Men were more likely to have an affair that was just emotional (12.1% for men v. 9.8% for women) or just physical (21.4% for men v. 10.4% for women). However for both men and women, the majority of respondents reported having an affair that was physical and emotional. (Q11)

 

 

Men were more likely to rewrite their relationship history with their partner and tell themselves that their original relationship was worse than it was. 56.9% of men reported this versus 41.8% of women. (Q17)

 

 

Men were more likely to tell their affair partner negative stories to make their partner or spouse seem worse than they were. 46.4% of men endorsed this behavior, as compared to 36.1% of women. (Q18)

 

 

Women feel less regret during the affair than men. 67.4% of women reported experiencing regret during the affair, as compared to 82.5% of men. (Q19)

 

 

Women are more likely to feel "in love" with their affair partner than men. 71.8% of women reported this compared to 50.6% of men. (Q21)

 

 

Women are more likely to report that their feelings of being in love with the AP were genuine than men. 46.1% of women said that in hindsight, they were in love with their AP, as compared to 20.7% of men. (Q23)

 

 

More men reported still being in love with their spouse during the affair than women. 88.7% of men said they still loved their spouse/partner during their affair, versus 71.1% of women. This and the three findings above suggest that affairs are much more emotional for women and that women are more emotionally disconnected from their original partners during the affair. (Q24)

 

 

Women are more likely to confide in a family member or friend about the affair than men. 62.5% of women shared details about the affair with a friend or family member versus 33.5% of men.(Q25)

 

 

Men endorsed being in a "mental fog" during the affair more than women. While both genders reported experiencing a mental fog, more men (79.0%) reported this experience than women (68.6%). (Q26)

 

 

Women reported experiencing more limerence during the affair than men. Both genders highly endorsed experiencing limerence, 67.8% of women reported this as compared to 54.5% of men. (Q29)

 

 

Men who stray reconcile at higher rates than women who stray. 84.6% of men who strayed reported that they reconciled with their original partner after the affair, compared to 68.0% of women. (Q34)

 

 

Women are less likely to want to reconcile after their affair than men. 17.4% of women reported not wanting to reconcile after they strayed, versus 6.0% of men. (Q35)

 

 

One question that I am asked often: Is it worse when a woman cheats? Yes, the data suggest it's worse predictor for reconciliation when a woman cheats. Our findings show that when women have affairs, they feel less regret than men, they feel more love for their affair partner, they are more emotionally disconnected from their original partner, they reconcile with their original partners at lower rates and they are less likely to want to reconcile with their original partners.

 

 

Men who stray remain with their original partner more often than women who stray. 82.1% of men reported that they are still with their original partner versus 71.3% of women. (Q36)

 

 

Women are more likely to form long-lasting relationships with their affair partner if/when they leave their primary relationship to be with their AP. 12.6% of women left their original relationship to be with their affair partner (Q38) and of these women, 3.5% reported their new relationship had lasted 10+ years (Q39). This is compared to men, who report their new relationship with AP lasted 0-6m (7.0%), 6-12m (2.4%), and 10+ years (1.4%). (Q38-39)

.

 

Men are more likely to believe that their AP specifically targeted them for an affair because they were in a committed relationship. 42.7% of men reported feeling this way versus 31.0% of women. (Q41)

 

 

Women report remembering more of the affair details than men. 52.7% of women reported remembering "nearly everything" about the affair, as compared to 23.4% of men. (Q43)

 

 

Men report that their partner still believes they are withholding information about the affair at higher rates than women. 74.3% of men endorsed this question affirmatively on the survey versus 41.4% of women. (Q44)

 

 

Women tend to withhold more information from their partner after the affair. 73.5% of women reported their were withholding a little or a lot from their partner after the affair, compared to 46.7% of men who reported the same. (Q45)

 

 

Women who strayed reported feeling more distant to their mothers when they were growing up. 36.4% of women reported feeling very or somewhat distant from their mothers, as compared to 25.6% of men who reported feeling the same way. Notably, 46.3% of women and 44.8% of men reported feeling very or somewhat distant from their fathers while growing up. (Q56-57)

 

 

More women felt their relationship with their partner was very or somewhat bad before the affair. 48.4% of women reported their relationship was very or somewhat bad versus 34.1% of men. This may suggest that women wait longer for the relationship to deteriorate before reaching out for an affair. (Q63)

 

 

Men were more likely to avoid conflict before the affair. 81.1% of men reported they avoided conflict before the affair as compared to 68.7% of women. This may suggest men who have an avoidant attachment style are more likely to stray in long-term relationships. (Q70)

 

 

More women reported feeling that their partner was not supportive or appreciative enough and instead made them feel that they were not good enough. 77.6% of women endorsed this question versus 64.4% of men. (Q76)

 

 

Men reported looking at pornography before the affair at higher rates than women. 80.2% of men looked at porn before the affair as compared to 37.4% of women. (Q82)

 

 

Men believe that substance use and pornography played a greater role in their straying behavior. 20.9% of men believed that looking at pornography led them to have an affair versus 1.7% of women. 27.9% of men identified as porn addicted versus only 2.9% of women. 21.6% of men endorsed substance use as a contributing factor to the affair, versus 17.6% of women. (Q84, Q87, Q90)

 

 

Women who strayed benefited more from talking to friends and family about the affair than their partners. 40.4% of women reported that talking to friends and family helped them cope with the pain from the affair. Men benefited more from talking to their partner; 54.5% reported that this helped them cope with the pain while healing. (Q92)

 

 

Women reported that their partners did not help them heal from the affair; 57.8% of women reported this as compared to 26.7% of men. When asked what their partners did that helped their healing, men reported that understanding, patience, and affection were most valuable. (Q93)

 

 

Men felt their partners did more to hinder their healing. 52.9% of women reported that their partner did not hinder their healing versus 32.7% of men. Men reported that the following behaviors by their partners hindered their healing most: told others about the affair, was harsh/mean to them, made me feel like a monster. (Q94)

 

 

Men are more committed to their relationships after their affair than women. 73.3% of men endorsed being very committed to their relationship after the affair, as compared to 45.3% of women. (Q104)

 

 

Men are more likely to feel their relationship / marriage is better after the affair. 56.7% of men reported that their relationship is better after the affair, compared to 38.7% of women who strayed. (Q105)

 

 

REFERENCE:  Nickerson, K., Stone, R., and Davies, R. (2023). Affair Attitudes Survey. You can access summary tables of all data here , women respondents only here , and men respondents only here . Manuscript forthcoming.

 

If you are a clinician, researcher, grad student, epidemiologist or other professional who would like access to our raw data, please contact me to discuss. We are happy to share and want as much insight to come from the data as possible.

 

 

 

 

Dr. K's NEW Book on Infidelity Recovery

The Courage to Stay - How To Heal From an Affair & Save Your Marriage

 

More Affair Recovery Articles

What If My Partner Is Having An Affair With Co-Worker

How To Get Your Partner To Stop Talking To the Affair Partner 

I Just Found Out My Partner Cheated, Now What?

Why Do People Have Affairs?

How Do I Tell Him That I Know He Cheated?

How To End an Affair - Sample Break Up Letter

 

All Healing from Infidelity Articles

See All Our Infidelity Articles