We often ask the wrong question when it comes to infidelity. Instead of wondering “How could they do something so immoral?” we might get closer to the truth by asking, “What kind of pain would drive someone to do something so out of character?”

One of the most common things I hear from betrayed partners is: “But they knew it was wrong!” And yes, most people do know that cheating is wrong. But knowing something is wrong isn’t always enough to stop someone who is overwhelmed by pain, fear, or trauma. 

This is the heart of a perspective I often share: infidelity isn’t fundamentally about morality. It’s about dysregulated pain. And far from being a free pass or excuse, this perspective is rooted in psychology, neuroscience, and years of clinical research. It helps us understand why people betray their own values—and how we can help them, and their partners, heal.

(Please note: I am not excusing cheating, it's always the wrong choice. I am trying to explain the behavior, which is complex and nuanced. Explaining is not excusing.)

Let’s explore what the science says...

1. The “Affair as Anesthesia” Model: A Painkiller for Emotional Distress

Affairs are often not about thrill or sex, but about relief.

When someone is drowning in emotional pain—feeling unseen, unloved, rejected, ashamed, or chronically lonely—they may reach for anything that numbs the ache. For some, that’s alcohol. For others, it’s work, gambling, or fantasy. And sometimes, it’s an affair.

Researcher Barbara Steffens and therapist Marsha Means have described this as “addictive-like” behavior: a compulsive effort to self-soothe and escape inner distress. In her work with sex addiction, Ferree (2010) echoed this view, showing how infidelity can function as a behavioral addiction—a way to regulate pain, not a reflection of someone’s morals.

I call this the affair-as-painkiller phenomenon. People don’t betray because they lack a moral compass—they betray because they’re trying to numb a wound that feels unbearable.

2. Cognitive Dissonance: When Values and Behavior Collide

If someone cheats and feels awful about it, why did they do it in the first place?

Cognitive Dissonance Theory (Festinger, 1957) helps explain this. When someone acts in a way that contradicts their values, it creates an intense psychological discomfort. To cope with that discomfort, the brain starts bending the narrative:

• “My partner doesn’t care about me anyway.”
• “I deserve to be happy.”
• “It just happened.”

These aren’t signs of a broken moral code—they’re signs of someone trying to make sense of behavior that violates who they believed themselves to be.

Cognitive dissonance helps explain why many unfaithful partners create distorted justifications, not out of cruelty, but out of emotional necessity.

3. Attachment Wounds and Avoidant Defenses

Attachment theory offers powerful insight into why some people shut down emotionally and turn outside their relationship for comfort.

Avoidantly attached individuals often struggle to ask for help, express needs, or tolerate emotional closeness. When they’re in pain, instead of reaching toward their partner, they tend to turn away—emotionally, physically, or both.

This isn't about lacking morals. It’s about fearing vulnerability and lacking the tools to cope in a relationally healthy way. Their betrayal is often an act of avoidance and emotional misregulation—not malice.

4. Self-Determination Theory: The Need to Feel Alive and Connected

We all have three core psychological needs: autonomy, competence, and relatedness (Deci & Ryan, 1985). When those needs go unmet—especially in long-term relationships—people may start feeling lifeless, lost, or emotionally starved.

Infidelity can become a misguided attempt to reclaim aliveness. To feel seen. To feel like a whole person again.

It’s not that the unfaithful partner doesn’t care about their spouse. It’s that, psychologically speaking, they may feel like they’re disappearing—and the affair offers a false but potent remedy.

5. Trauma, Moral Injury, and the Desperate Need to Escape

When someone is in an emotionally abusive or neglectful relationship, the drive to escape can override everything else—even their deepest values.

This is where the concept of moral injury comes in. Borrowed from trauma theory, it refers to the pain someone feels after violating their own ethical code under duress. It’s been studied extensively in veterans—but applies to betrayal too.

Many betrayers are devastated afterward, not because they got caught, but because they betrayed themselves. They didn’t want to be this person. And yet, in a moment of emotional chaos, they were.

6. What Empirical Research Tells Us

Real-world data supports all of this. Consider these findings:

• Glass & Wright (1992) found that most affairs are about emotional connection, self-esteem, or unmet needs—not sex.
• Allen & Atkins (2012) conducted a longitudinal study showing that many individuals who had affairs experienced guilt and regret—not the profile of someone without morals.
• Dr. Shirley Glass (2003) described many unfaithful partners as “good people in bad situations,” not chronic cheaters.

Fear, Pain, and the Brain: What Happens When We’re Overwhelmed

Here’s the neurological truth: When someone is in a great state of fear or pain, their brain literally shifts into survival mode.

• The amygdala takes over, activating fight, flight, or freeze.
• The prefrontal cortex—responsible for logic, planning, and morality—goes offline.
• The person becomes reactive, impulsive, and emotionally desperate.

“I knew it was wrong, but in that moment, I didn’t care. I just needed to feel something different.”

This doesn’t mean values vanish. It means the capacity to access them gets hijacked.

Supporting Theories

• Polyvagal Theory (Porges, 2011): Under stress, people lose access to relational connection and shift into primal survival responses.
• Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs: People will do whatever it takes to meet unmet needs for love, safety, and belonging—even at great cost.
• Janoff-Bulman’s Theory of Shattered Assumptions: Trauma disrupts our worldview, and in the chaos, we may act in ways we never imagined.
• Attachment Theory: Those terrified of abandonment may sabotage what they love most, not because they don’t care—but because they don’t know how to tolerate or regulate that fear.

So What Does This Mean for Healing?

Understanding doesn’t erase accountability. People still have to take responsibility for their choices.But it shifts the focus from moral condemnation to compassionate curiosity. It opens the door to growth, self-reflection, and meaningful repair.

Betrayal doesn’t always come from a lack of conscience. Sometimes, it comes from a person so hurt, so dysregulated, so afraid—that they lost their way. And with care, insight, and support, they might find it again.

References

• Allen, E. S., & Atkins, D. C. (2012). The multidimensional and developmental nature of infidelity: Practical applications. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 68(11), 1212–1219.
• Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (1985). Intrinsic Motivation and Self-Determination in Human Behavior. Springer.
• Festinger, L. (1957). A Theory of Cognitive Dissonance. Stanford University Press.
• Ferree, M. (2010). Partners of sexually addicted men: Trauma responses and intervention strategies. Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity, 17(1), 31–41.
• Glass, S. P. (2003). Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity. Free Press.
• Glass, S. P., & Wright, T. L. (1992). Justifications for extramarital relationships: The association between attitudes, behaviors, and gender. Journal of Sex Research, 29(3), 361–387.
• Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation. W.W. Norton & Company.
• Steffens, B., & Means, M. (2009). Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal. New Harbinger.
• Janoff-Bulman, R. (1992). Shattered Assumptions: Towards a New Psychology of Trauma. Free Press.