Worried that the spark is gone from your marriage and that the two of you are just roommates?
Starting to think that maybe you're falling out of love? Or that maybe this relationship is just doomed to be loveless - or sexless?
I understand just how you feel and I want you to know...
You absolutely can change the path your relationship is on!
You can boost the connection in your relationship and feel more close and loving in no time.
In most marriages, as time goes on, we start leading separate lives. We bury ourselves in TV, iPads, and Facebook. We stop spending time together, we stop sharing our feelings, and pretty soon, we find we’re just roommates, going through life, taking care of kids, and feeling very lonely.
This is not good!
If you want your marriage to feel warm and cuddly and close, you have to stop leading separate lives. You have to make it a point to reconnect with your spouse every day.
If we don't pay attention to each other every day, we start to separate emotionally, and pretty soon, we don't have much of a sexual connection either. We rarely have interest in having sex with someone who ignores us or growls at us in the hall or seems not to like us.
So you see.... things follow a certain order....
First, we get to know each other and we start liking each other. We become very good friends and then we fall in love. Once we're in love, we stay close, we talk and act affectionately, and then we have sex. (At least it's something like this, right?)
We cannot force it to go in the reverse direction.
We will not get more love and more friendship from having more sex.
The cure for a loveless or sexless marriage is to start at the beginning: be nice, be kind, then build your friendship, then work on increasing affection.
Love and sex should follow naturally once you have strengthened your friendship.
Here are 4 ideas to help you feel more connected and start boosting your friendship...
1. Spend more alone time together.
Increase the amount of quality time you two spend alone together. You don’t need to be talking the whole time, in fact, it might be better for the two of you to just do an activity together.
If you’ve been disconnected for a while, it’s hard to start talking again. Start doing whatever feels comfortable to you; add conversation in when and where you can.
Make sure your conversation is not about relationship problems or disappointments, focus on what is good and what is positive.
2. Get out of the house and do something fun together.
When our relationship has gotten dull, we either tend to stay home and do our own thing or we start spending time away from home.
To reconnect, do more things together outside of the house. Go hiking, kayaking, try paddle-boarding or photography. If you prefer, do other things for fun – go to the movies, have dinner with friends, take a wine appreciation class together.
The point is to do something together that you will both enjoy. Doing something fun together boosts connection quickly!
3. Start a project together.
Working on something together will bring you closer. The project should be something meaningful and valuable to you both, like building a doghouse, turning family pictures into a video, planting a vegetable garden. Whatever the two of you like and care about.
Some couples find that they enjoy working on projects so much together that they decide to start a small business; this can be great! You spend more quality time together, you have a shared vision and purpose, and you make money. I love it.
If you need ideas for projects, explore Pinterest.com for DIY projects and much more.
4. Volunteer with a charity.
The most connected couples have shared values and purposes. They have a "mission" in life and they work closely to achieve that purpose.
Talk to your spouse about a cause you care about and see if you can find an issue that matters to you both. If you can, wonderful, look for a local group where you can volunteer together. (For my husband and I, we both love animals and volunteer together a local bulldog rescue group, it's lots of fun!)
If you have different passions, agree to each spend a certain amount of time helping the other advance a group that champions your causes.
You can look online at VolunteerMatch.org for local charities that have volunteer opportunities in your area.
Free Resources For You
The Calming Conversation - Downloadable PDF
The Do's & Don'ts for Great Communication - PDF
Rebuilding Your Relationship House - PDF
Dr. K's Blog
See All Our Relationship Help Articles
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