How are males and females different when it comes to infidelity?

If we're looking specifically at men and women who stray, there are several gender differences that are notable. Women feel less regret during the affair than men (Q19). More men reported still being in love with their spouse during the affair than women (Q24). Men endorsed being in a "mental fog" during the affair more than women (Q26).    Women reported experiencing more limerence during the affair than men (Q29). Men who stray reconcile at higher rates than women who stray (Q34). Men are more committed to their original relationships after their affair than women (Q104). Men are more likely to feel their relationship or marriage is better after the affair (Q105). 

You can access summary tables of all data here , women respondents only here , and men respondents only here .

 

 

Do men who have affairs love their wives?

Yes, they do. On our straying partner survey of 2,115 people, 88.7% of men said they still loved their spouse/partner during their affair, versus 71.1% of women (Q24). Women feel less regret during the affair than men. 67.4% of women reported experiencing regret during the affair, as compared to 82.5% of men (Q19). Women are more likely to feel "in love" with their affair partner than men. 71.8% of women reported this compared to 50.6% of men (Q21). Women are more likely to report that their feelings of being in love with the AP were genuine than men. 46.1% of women said that in hindsight, they were in love with their AP, as compared to 20.7% of men (Q23).

 

 

Do women who stray love their partner?

Yes, they do. 71.1% of women reported still being in love with their partner or spouse during their affair (Q24). Although, women are more likely to feel "in love" with their affair partner than men. 71.8% of women reported this compared to 50.6% of men (Q21). Women are more likely to report that their feelings of being in love with the AP were genuine than men. 46.1% of women said that in hindsight, they were in love with their AP, as compared to 20.7% of men (Q23). These findings suggest that affairs are much more emotional for women and that women are more emotionally disconnected from their original partners during the affair. 

 

 

What is the number one reason men have affairs versus women?

When we asked men why they strayed, they reported the were having relationship problems, they were feeling unappreciated, they struggled with conflict, and chose the affair to cope with the pain of life. Before the affair, 70.2% of men reported they were experiencing relationship problems (Q64) and 43.5% of men were worried their partner might leave them one day (Q65). Before the affair, men reported feeling unappreciated (68.7%), undervalued (64.4%), and emotionally disconnected (63.48%) (Q66). 70.0% of men said they had an affair to cope with the pain of life (Q69) and 81.1% indicated that before the affair, they avoided conflict with their partner.

My Affair Bermuda Triangle theory (that people are at high risk for infidelity when they are not feeling well, the relationship is strained, and there is a trauma/trigger that causes them to reach for a painkiller) seems supported by the data men provided. Before the affair, 70.2% of men said their relationship was strained (Q64), their mood was low (average score was 2.3 out of 5.0) (Q61), they had experienced both large and small traumas (Q46-49), and 59.6 felt than an affair was a painkiller (Q79). Surprisingly, when asked directly about the Affair Bermuda Triangle, only 48.0% agreed that this theory applied to their situation (Q77).

 

 

Is it different when a woman cheats?

The data suggest it's worse predictor for reconciliation when a woman cheats. Our findings show that when women have affairs, they feel less regret than men, they feel more love for their affair partner, they are more emotionally disconnected from their original partner, they reconcile with their original partners at lower rates and they are less likely to want to reconcile with their original partners. Women are also more likely to form long-lasting relationships with their affair partner if/when they leave their primary relationship to be with their AP. 12.6% of women left their original relationship to be with their affair partner (Q38) and of these women, 3.5% reported their new relationship had lasted 10+ years (Q39). This is compared to men, who report their new relationship with AP lasted 0-6m (7.0%), 6-12m (2.4%), and 10+ years (1.4%). (Q38-39)

 

 

What exactly are the gender differences in infidelity?

There are many differences and to dig in to all of the exact differences, please see my response to the next question. In general, it appears that men and women are more similar than different in their straying behaviors. Women tend to stray for more emotional reasons and while men also endorse emotional reasons for infidelity, they  endorsed more physical reasons, substance abuse, and pornography at a higher rate than women.

4.6% of men reported their AP was a sex worker, as opposed to 0.0% of women. 14.8% of men reported that their AP was a stranger, versus 12.0% of women (Q10). Women were more likely to have an affair that was both physical and emotional (79.8% of women v. 66.5% of men). Men were more likely to have an affair that was just emotional (12.1% for men v. 9.8% for women) or just physical (21.4% for men v. 10.4% for women) (Q11). Men endorsed being in a "mental fog" during the affair more than women. While both genders reported experiencing a mental fog, more men (79.0%) reported this experience than women (68.6%) (Q26). Men who strayed remained with their original partner more often than women who stray. 82.1% of men reported that they are still with their original partner versus 71.3% of women (Q36). Men reported looking at pornography before the affair at higher rates than women; 80.2% of men looked at porn before the affair as compared to 37.4% of women (Q82). Men believe that substance use and pornography played a greater role in their straying behavior. 20.9% of men believed that looking at pornography led them to have an affair versus 1.7% of women. 27.9% of men identified as porn addicted versus only 2.9% of women. 21.6% of men endorsed substance use as a contributing factor to the affair, versus 17.6% of women (Q84, Q87, Q90).

 

What are the statistics on infidelity by gender?

To learn more about infidelity statistics by gender, please see my post here: Cheating Statistics - How Men and Women Compare Based on 5,783 Reports

You can also access summary tables of all data here , women respondents only here , and men respondents only here .

 

 

 

Dr. K's NEW Book on Infidelity Recovery

The Courage to Stay - How To Heal From an Affair & Save Your Marriage

 

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