Jason writes in, "Hey Dr. Kathy, I hope you can help me with my problem. The thing is, I am not in love with my wife anymore. I am not even sure I like her any more. We have 3 kids, so I don't just want to give up, but I am close. Is there anything I can do? Is it possible to fall back in love with someone?"
My thoughts...
Hi Jason. So sorry you're feeling this way, I am sure it is very painful.... let's make it better.
First of all, yes! You can fall back in love with someone. You just need to make a deliberate effort to do so.
Stop focusing on what's wrong, what you don't like, what's annoying, and what's imperfect. No one is perfect, no relationship is perfect. Everyone comes with a "problem package," so just accept that everything and everyone is going to be a little messy.
Next, start looking at what YOU can do to make things better...
Be more understanding and helpful to your wife. When you jump in there and help, she'll feel more supported and should soften up a little.
Be more compassionate. Assume that she's hurting too and that there's a reason for her behavior.
Be more positive and look for the good. What has she done lately that made you feel happy or cared for? Point these things out to your wife and tell her how much you appreciate the good things she does.
Then do some things to start building connection between you two. You can see all of my favorite ways to get closer here.
I hope this helps, please keep me posted!
I also posted Jason's questions to our Facebook group and our community members had some great responses...
Melissa's thoughts:
Stop focusing on what you don't like and start remembering what you do like; what made you fall in love in the first place."
Karen's thoughts:
"So have you shared your feelings and thoughts with your wife? Working together could be helpful - with a great counselor. My husband wanted to leave, we worked on it- along with counseling and friends. I was blessed to be by his side 2 years later when he fought cancer. I was blessed to love him and be loved by him until the day he died."
Lisa's thoughts:
You can fall back in Love you need unity, date nights, friends do something new together. Do the little things you use to do for each other. Notes, coffee, flowers, you get the babysitter and plan a date. To spur you on do research on what divorce can do to your children. Most males in jail have/had absent fathers and have drug issues and are products of divorce? It is heartbreaking, and so hard to help them. Do your best to fix your marriage."
Angelica's thoughts:
" I think there should always be a fighting chance. Fight for your friendship, your mutual happiness and in keeping your family unit as one. If after a real try, it cannot be saved, an importance discussion is needed. As long as there is the want to try, there is hope."
Laurie's thoughts:
So easy to walk away and yes even harder still to remain together... Marriage takes a lot out of you but after 34 yrs of some of the worst challenges and saddest moments in our lives we are both so happy & lucky we were able to pull each other back in when one of us wanted to run away. My being in love was never an issue nor was it my husbands. It was simply the everyday stress of raising kids, our finances, and the losses we both bared.. Find your love again....
Shane's thoughts:
Make your relationship with your spouse #1. Make your spouse the most important person walking the Earth. She must do the same. Re-discover the woman that you fell in love with. Kids don't first in your marriage, the marriage comes first and because of that everything else will benefit. Keep in mind it will take some time to reignite the flame and discover the old spark."
Alicia's thoughts:
"It takes work but it can be done. Don’t hurt her though she hasn’t done anything to you; don’t go after someone else, it won’t work out either. Be fair it can only be done if you really try."
Taffy's thoughts:
"Start doing the things that you did in the beginning. So many times married people stop doing the loving things once they've " got" one another. So crazy!"
Brenda's thoughts:
" 'To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.'... Funny, when did marriage vows take on a "unless I don't like you anymore" stipulation? Hell, there are times I don't like half the people in my life (including family), but I don't just walk out on them ... they're my family!"
Shelley's thoughts:
"Marriage isn’t a fairy tale, not a Fantasyland of constant happiness. U have to fight forever for your marriage. U took a vow so u need to keep your promise. Every happy marriage has stories of terrible times that they got through.. every single marriage.. unless there’s abuse or something illegal happening u have to get help and fight for your family.."
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