what if i have no sex drive

Alyshia asks...

"Hi Dr. K, my question is about sex drive... I just don't have one anymore! I went to the doctor, all my blood tests are normal, so I don't think anything physical is wrong. I just don't really have any desire to be intimate with my husband (or anyone).

Life is busy, I have so much going on, sex feels like a chore. I know it's important for my marriage and I don't want my husband to feel unloved. What can I do to get myself in the mood or motivate myself to make time for sex?"

My answer...


Hi Alyshia. Thanks so much for reaching out and for your question. This is a SUPER COMMON issue and one that many of us struggle with.


The first thing to do is try to remove any barriers to feeling in the mood.

Are you stressed out? Ask for a little more help at home. Are you feeling overwhelmed by chores and responsibilities? As your husband to share the load more. Tell him that you think you'll be more in the mood for sex if you have less on your to-do list. This will probably motivate him!


Are you feeling emotionally disconnected from your husband?

If so, time to plan some date nights and "happy hour chats" at home so you can feel a little closer. Most of us don't feel like having sex with someone we don't feel close to.


Is making time for intimacy an issue?

If so, then try to schedule a sex date.I know this isn't a really glamorous answer, but it's worked well for the couples I take care of and I think it'll work well for you.

Find a time, start with once a week, where the two of you can plan a "sex date."

Planning a sex date will do good things for both of you... It will let you relax and know that you only have to be thinking about sex on that 1 day and it will let your husband know that he can count on having sex at least once a week. It should take stress off of both of you.

Make it a nice experience... play some beautiful music, light a candle, take a bath... do whatever you like to make it romantic for your spouse and for you.

Spend the day getting yourself in the mood. Think of things that make you feel good and attractive. Think about things that make you feel closer to your spouse.

So this leads us to the most important thing...



Basically, the idea is to do something to rev your hormones a bit and get you excited. Here are some things to try:


1. Find a TV show, movie, or book that has some steamy scenes with characters who have great chemistry.

For me, that's something like Scandal (Olivia and Fitz, omg) or the Thomas Crown Affair (oh, that hot scene on the stairs!). Look for what works for you and turns you on. Watch a little of that, try to feel those feelings, and fantasize a little. See if you can't carry some of that energy over to your partner.


2. Go back through the early love letters or birthday cards your partner gave you.

Try to go back to that place and remember how you felt when you were first reading it. See if you can reconnect to some of those old lusty feelings. Then, act on them!


3. Go get some exercise.

Get your juices flowing at the gym and you'll feel a little more in the mood. And if you happen to see some eye candy while you're there, it's ok to take that mental image home with you and fantasize a little bit.


4. Have a little wine and stay in the moment.

Sometimes, we really get in our heads and think "Oh my god, we haven't had sex in weeks, this is going to be such a production.." We end up psyching ourselves out of trying anything because we get overwhelmed. Instead, have a glass of wine, relax, talk to your partner about something that makes you feel good... what he thought when you walked down the aisle, how she knew she was falling in love with you.

Then stay in the moment and focus on exactly what's happening now without thinking too much. Let yourself kiss your partner without thinking about the next steps. Just really try to enjoy the immediate thing you're doing. Feel the lips, focus on the kiss. Then, see where it leads. Stop when you want. Or don't. :)


5. Dress your partner up and go do something that turns you on.

Does your partner have a particular look or outfit that you find really sexy? Maybe it's a certain sweater, while he has tossled hair and 2 day stubble? Maybe it's a slinky nightgown or seeing her nude and curled up in the bed? Whatever it is, ask your partner to wear that and then do something together that will turn you on. Go to dinner, take a walk, roll around on the bed. Try it and see where it leads.

I hope this helps! Please keep us posted.


One of our readers chimed in and had this very important recommendation:

"I agree with many of your points, but I would also add from personal experience to have them check to ensure there is nothing medically wrong. The try harder approach doesn't always work if there is a physiological underlying cause. There is a Sex Hormone Binding Globulin (SHBG) test that can be run. SHBG is a glycoprotein that binds to testosterone and estrodiol. The remaining free testosterone regulates libido. I had a sex therapist inform me of this and is working with my gyn to address it." Great point, thanks KD.


And what advice would YOU give Alyshia?

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