How planning a sex date can help if you're never in the mood | Dr Kathy Nickerson"How do I fit in a sex life with my husband when I am exhausted all the time from work, kids, and the hustle and bustle of life? I'm almost never in the mood and I'm not sure what to do."  - Kelly, Maryland

Hi Kelly. I hear you! This is a really common question, so please know that you're not the only one who struggles with this.

If the problem truly is that you're just super busy, then my best advice is to schedule a time for the two of you to have sex.

I know this isn't a really glamorous answer, but it's worked well for the couples I take care of and I think it'll work well for you.

The truth is that life is hectic and it's really hard to make intimacy a priority, BUT you must. Many people, and possibly your spouse, only feel loved when they are touched or have sex. Neglecting this need is a bad idea.

Find a time, start with once a week, where the two of you can plan a "sex date."

Planning a sex date will do good things for both of you... It will let you relax and know that you only have to be thinking about sex on that 1 day and it will let your husband know that he can count on having sex at least once a week. It should take stress off of both of you.

Make it a nice experience... play some beautiful music, light a candle, take a bath... do whatever you like to make it romantic for your spouse and for you.

Spend the day getting yourself in the mood. Think of things that make you feel good and attractive. Think about things that make you feel closer to your spouse.

Now, what if the problem is that you don't want to have sex? That you are basically "over" sex and could do without it....

This is a little more complicated. Basically the fix is to do something to rev your hormones a bit and get you excited. Here are some things to try:


1. Find a TV show, movie, or book that has some steamy scenes with characters who have great chemistry.

For me, that's something like Quantico (I love Alex and Ryan) or the Thomas Crown Affair (oh, that hot scene on the stairs!). Look for what works for you and turns you on. Watch a little of that, try to feel those feelings, and fantasize a little. See if you can't carry some of that energy over to your partner.


2. Go back through the early love letters or birthday cards your partner gave you.

Try to go back to that place and remember how you felt when you were first reading it. See if you can reconnect to some of those old lusty feelings. Then, act on them!


3. Go workout.

Get your juices flowing at the gym and you'll feel a little more in the mood. And if you happen to see some eye candy while you're there, it's ok to take that mental image home with you and fantasize a little bit.


4. Have a little wine and stay in the moment.

Sometimes, we really get in our heads and think "Oh my god, we haven't had sex in weeks, this is going to be such a production.." We end up psyching ourselves out of trying anything because we get overwhelmed. Instead, have a glass of wine, relax, talk to your partner about something that makes you feel good... what he thought when you walked down the aisle, how she knew she was falling in love with you. Then stay in the moment and focus on exactly what's happening now without thinking too much. Let yourself kiss your partner without thinking about the next steps. Just really try to enjoy the immediate thing you're doing. Feel the lips, focus on the kiss. Then, see where it leads. Stop when you want. Or don't. :)


5. Dress your partner up and go do something that turns you on.

Does your partner have a particular look or outfit that you find really sexy? Maybe it's a certain sweater, while he has tossled hair and 2 day stubble? Maybe it's a slinky nightgown or seeing her nude and curled up in the bed? Whatever it is, ask your partner to wear that and then do something together that will turn you on. Go to dinner, take a walk, roll around on the bed. Try it and see where it leads.


So, what do you think....

After reading these ideas, what can you try to get your groove back?

Comment below and let me know!


Ryan and Alex from Quantico

This is Alex and Ryan from Quantico. Their chemistry is so delicious and the way he looks at her is just amazing. You can watch the series on Netflix or ABC on demand. Image Ⓒ ABC.