You Could Get a Divorce - Or You Could Try This First

Divorce is always an option. Sometimes it’s the right one. But before you make that life-changing decision, I want to offer a compassionate alternative: try a structured, evidence-informed plan first. When couples come to my office ready to call it quits, we start with simple, doable actions that can quickly change the emotional climate at home. These aren’t magic tricks; they’re small, repeatable steps that rebuild safety, connection, and hope.

Important note about safety: If you are experiencing any form of abuse (physical, emotional, sexual, verbal, financial), your safety comes first. The goal in those cases is protection and healing, not saving the relationship.

Table of Contents

  1. We’ve Grown Apart Emotionally (Roommates)
  2. Loss of Intimacy / Sexless Marriage
  3. Breakdown in Communication
  4. Infidelity or Betrayal
  5. Abuse
  6. Chronic Lack of Appreciation / Emotional Neglect
  7. Mismatched Values or Life Goals
  8. Addiction or Substance Abuse
  9. Chronic Stress from Outside Pressures
  10. Control or Power Imbalance
  11. Unresolved Mental Health Challenges
  12. Extended Family or In-Law Conflict

1) We’ve Grown Apart Emotionally (a.k.a. “Roommates”)

The problem: You don’t feel close anymore. Conversations are transactional. You’re good co-parents and co-managers of life, but not partners in joy.

Try this first: start with shared fun. Joy softens defenses and reconnects people faster than heavy, serious talks.

  • Rebuild shared joy before deep talks: cook a favorite meal together, play a board game, take a walk at sunset, try a new coffee shop—anything that feels light and genuine.
  • Turn up the praise. Offer one sincere compliment a day. Notice what your partner gets right (effort, thoughtfulness, follow-through).
  • Use a daily 20-minute conversation. Phones down, eyes up. Ask, “What felt good today? What felt hard?”
  • Work toward ~6 hours/week of connection (following Gottman-style guidelines): brief goodbyes, warm reunions, date time, affection, and appreciation moments.
  • Put connection on the calendar. Date nights, weekend micro-adventures, or a shared hobby. Intentional beats accidental.

Why it works: Positive interactions change the emotional tone, making meaningful conversations possible again. Safety first, depth second.

2) Loss of Intimacy / Sexless Marriage

The problem: Emotional and/or physical intimacy has faded. Touch feels awkward or pressured, so sex has quietly disappeared.

Try this first: restore safety and comfort before you aim for sex.

  • Acknowledge the disconnect without blame: “I miss us and want to feel close again.”
  • Lead with compassion. Each partner reflects back what they heard with warmth and care—no fixing yet, just understanding.
  • Rebuild emotional intimacy through active listening, validation, and appreciation. Emotional closeness fuels physical closeness.
  • Schedule “no-pressure” touch time: hold hands during a show, cuddle for 10 minutes, sit close at dinner. Recondition the body to associate touch with ease, not performance.
  • Gradually reintroduce sexual intimacy with an emphasis on comfort, consent, curiosity, and mutual pleasure. Go slowly.
  • Bring in a guide if needed: a couples therapist or certified sex therapist can help remove blocks and build a step-by-step plan.

Why it works: When the body feels safe and seen, desire has a place to land.

3) Breakdown in Communication (Fights, Misunderstood, or Avoiding)

The problem: Small issues explode, or you avoid talking altogether because it always goes badly.

Try this first: simplify the container for hard conversations.

  • One issue at a time. No kitchen-sinking. Stay focused.
  • Use “I” statements about your feelings and needs; skip criticism and defensiveness.
  • Practice self-soothing: slow breaths, a brief pause, or a 20-minute break if flooded—then return.
  • Learn your attachment patterns. Do you pursue? Do you withdraw? Name it together and adjust with more reliability, openness, and responsiveness.
  • Recommended read: Secure Love by Julie Menanno for practical, attachment-informed tools.

Why it works: Structure + regulation = conversations that heal rather than harm.

4) Infidelity or Betrayal

The problem: Trust is broken. Emotions are intense, unpredictable, and exhausting.

Try this first: create stability, then heal in phases.

  • End all contact with the affair partner and stabilize the day-to-day relationship.
  • Both partners begin individual therapy for personal support before intensive joint work.
  • Then begin guided healing together. I outline a clear roadmap in my book The Courage to Stay.
  • The betrayed partner needs trauma-informed care for PTSD-like symptoms, grief, and anger.
  • The unfaithful partner must face guilt and shame, and practice transparency and emotional vulnerability over time.
  • Learn coping skills for triggers, flashbacks, and escalations; they will come and go in waves.
  • Remember: affairs often come from trauma and also cause trauma. Sustainable repair treats both.

Why it works: Safety and honesty restore the floor; empathy and consistent repair rebuild the walls.

5) Abuse

The problem: Physical, emotional, verbal, sexual, or financial abuse.

Try this first: prioritize safety and stabilization.

  • Safety comes first. Reach out to trusted friends/family or a domestic violence hotline for immediate support.
  • Work with a trauma-trained therapist to rebuild self-trust, clarity, and a plan.
  • In abuse cases, “saving the marriage” is not the goal; your protection and recovery are the priority.

6) Chronic Lack of Appreciation / Emotional Neglect

The problem: Feeling unseen, taken for granted, or invisible erodes goodwill and desire.

Try this first: seed daily gratitude and small gestures.

  • Daily appreciation ritual: each person names one specific thing they valued about the other that day.
  • “Small things often.” Tiny caring actions—coffee made, a note on the mirror, a warm text—rebuild trust.
  • Ask: “What can I do today to make things a little easier for you?” Then follow through.

7) Mismatched Values or Life Goals

The problem: Money, religion, parenting, or lifestyle differences feel unbridgeable.

Try this first: find the overlap, then negotiate the edges.

  • Name your shared core values (integrity, kindness, family time, stability) and build plans around them.
  • Use a neutral facilitator (therapist, coach, mediator) to turn heated debates into problem-solving.
  • Get creative with compromises on non-core areas so core values remain intact.

8) Addiction or Substance Abuse

The problem: Alcohol, drugs, gambling, porn/compulsive sexual behavior—trust and stability crumble.

Try this first: treat the addiction and protect the system.

  • Seek professional treatment immediately, ideally with partner involvement.
  • Attend support groups (AA, SMART Recovery, Al-Anon) for parallel recovery.
  • Set clear boundaries and accountability to support sobriety and reduce harm at home.

9) Chronic Stress from Outside Pressures

The problem: Financial strain, health crises, caregiving, or job loss push the relationship to the edge.

Try this first: turn on “team mode.”

  • Make the stress the enemy, not each other. Use “we” language and plan together.
  • Schedule small doses of relief—20 minutes for a walk, a stretch, or a silly show. Micromoments count.
  • Reduce load where possible: financial counseling, respite care, job assistance, meal trains, or childcare swaps.

10) Control or Power Imbalance

The problem: One partner dominates decisions or controls resources.

Try this first: restore fairness and transparency.

  • Shared decision processes for major choices; no unilateral moves on big-ticket items.
  • Transparent finances—shared visibility and agreements.
  • Couples therapy to examine patterns and rebalance power with respect and care.

11) Unresolved Mental Health Challenges

The problem: Untreated depression, anxiety, PTSD, or personality-pattern issues strain the bond.

Try this first: treat the person and support the partnership.

  • Individual therapy for the condition; couples therapy for the relationship.
  • Educate both partners so behavior is understood in context (not excused, but understood).
  • Set realistic expectations and practical coping strategies together.

12) Extended Family or In-Law Conflict

The problem: Poor boundaries or family drama destabilize your home.

Try this first: protect your “us.”

  • Set clear, kind boundaries together and present a united front.
  • Negotiate fair time and involvement that honors both partners.
  • Strengthen your bond so outside stressors have less impact.

When Divorce Might Be the Healthiest Option

There are times when ending the relationship is the most self-respecting choice—ongoing abuse, repeated betrayals without meaningful change, refusal to address addiction, or a consistent lack of empathy, honesty, or effort. If you’re in one of these situations, honoring your safety and dignity is not a failure; it’s wisdom.

How to Use This Guide

Pick the section that fits your biggest pain point and try the steps for two to four weeks. Keep the actions small and consistent. Track what improves (even 10%) and what still needs care. If you get stuck, bring in a skilled therapist for momentum and support.

If you’re working through betrayal: my book The Courage to Stay offers a step-by-step roadmap for stabilizing, processing the trauma, and rebuilding trust with clear guardrails.

Divorce will always be an option. But so is giving your relationship the benefit of a structured, compassionate attempt. If you try this first, you’ll know—whatever you decide—that you acted with care, clarity, and courage.