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While it's difficult to say exactly how common it is for couples to stay together after an affair, most couples who experience infidelity actually want to stay in their relationships. Recent studies find that infidelity affects 1 in every 2.7 couples and most (65%-70%) DO stay together after. Willingness to stay depends on a variety of factors such as the severity of the affair, the underlying issues in the relationship, and the willingness of both partners to work on the relationship.
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While some relationships that start as affairs MAY be able to overcome the challenges and difficulties that arise as a result of the affair, the vast majority do not survive. Only 5 to 7% of affair relationships lead to marriage and of those, approximately 75% end in divorce.So if we assume only 25% of the initial 7% last, this means that less than 2% turn into long-lasting marriages.This is a grim statistic for couples hoping an affair will be a permanent relationship.
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I'm thrilled to announce the release of my new book, The Courage to Stay: How To Heal From an Affair and Save Your Marriage. This book on infidelity is packed with all of the strategies and tools I've learned over the last 22 years as a relationship psychologist. Get the proven and practical advice that you need to truly heal from cheating. Free preview available exclusively on Amazon. View Post
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Dr. John Gottman of the Gottman Institute in Seattle found that if a couple exhibits 4 behaviors - criticism, contempt, stonewalling, and defensiveness - that he could predict with over 90% certainty that they would divorce. Gottman found that if some, or all of these behaviors were present with enough frequency, the connection and friendship at the heart of a marriage would die. And once that happens, it's hard for couples to turn the relationship around or stay in the relationship. View Post
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Yes, you can truly recover from an affair. As I have worked with hundreds of couples over the last 22 years, I've found that you need to do these 8 things in order to truly recover: (1) You need to have the affair end and no (or very, very little) contact with the affair partner ever again. (2) You need to have a conversation with your partner where they tell you everything about what happened (except for graphic sexual details).
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Most of the time, if we keep fighting about the same thing it's because we never get the validation or the acknowledgment we're craving from our spouse to let it go. Or it's because we never get down deep enough and talk about what the fight is REALLY about. On rare occasion, we fight about something that just is not fixable, and instead of fighting, we have to find a way to talk about it that feels comfortable to both of you.
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If you've just discovered your partner's affair, you're probably haunted by the WHY question. Why did this happen? Why me? Why her? Why? It absolutely makes sense that you're wondering this and everyone who's been in your shoes wonders the same thing. In fact, understanding why the affair happened is critical to your healing. Over the last 20 years, I've come to believe that affairs happen when three things occur at the same time...
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If your partner has ever said, "I love you, but I am not IN love with you," then you know how painful it is to hear this. Or if you've felt it... like the two of you are essentially roommates... you know how scary it can be. You worry that the passion is gone, the love is barely there, and you're scared that it won't ever come back. Good news... it's not as bad as it feels... and honestly, it's common.
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